Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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