I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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