This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
