There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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