You can't motorboat a personality
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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