I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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