Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
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