Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
