It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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