The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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