i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
