Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
This is my gift to your gina
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I'm sobbing to NWA
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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