dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
