Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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