Whod you bang
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
