If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
