In the future we'll all be gay
I wish my penis had an off switch
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
