when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
