My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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