i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
