Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
