how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
