Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
