I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
