who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I just saw a hot homeless man
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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