I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
