my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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