I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
