Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
and you fell through a lawn chair
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
