Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
