9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
