Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
We had to coat check the pizza.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
