i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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