Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
