I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
