There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
