I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
