There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Randomize
