goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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