EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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