your parents love me but you hate me
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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