Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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