did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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