He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
