Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
