you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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