you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
