you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
be right there i have to get my cape
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
