He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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