I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
